Liberia Begins Monumental Engineering Project, Gives Up Minutes Later

MONROVIA— Hoping to stimulate its flat-lining economy, President Ellen Sirleaf of Liberia announced last week the construction of a transcontinental zip-line that would span from the coastal capital of Monrovia to the bustling shores of America. 150 highly-motivated workers commenced construction of the project Monday morning in front of a cheering crowd of starving yet optimistic Liberian citizens. After 15 minutes of trying to tie a rope to the top of a tall tree, the laborers gave up and went home. “This doesn’t make any sense,” muttered lead engineer Ndudi Akoiwala, looking down at the blueprints he had scribbled on his napkin a few days ago.

A quick glimpse of the blueprints revealed a curvy line connecting Monrovia to an unspecified point near Miami, inexplicably going around the western coast of Cuba. Small trees were sketched at each end of the line, but there was no indication about what sort of device would be used to traverse the path. Liberia’s Power lines were apparently expected to connect the countries, as their entire power grid was taken down and dragged by hand to the coastal city. Some laborers such as Sheriff Abdullai complained about the dangerous work. “It was scary climbing to the top of the poles and yanking at the power lines,” said a visibly frustrated Sheriff. “Now I’ve been told we have to climb back up there and put them back. This is really gay. I’m so hungry.”

The enormous undertaking, intended to bring Liberia’s economy into the 21st century, was expected to cost around 95 billion Liberian dollars. With the estimate far exceeding the country’s pathetic GDP, Monrovia sent a letter to Washington asking for a loan after spelling out why the expensive project would be in America’s self-interest. “We have all sorts of exotic coffee and rice that you might like,” the letter read. “We could send fine Liberian products to you on the zip line, and in return you could send something to provide us with a few fleeting seconds of joy.” As of today the White House reports it has not seen the letter; it was posted a week ago on the wall of Barack Obama’s Facebook page.

Desperate for funds, President Sirleaf resorted to forcing her great nephew Emmanuel to begin printing money by making photocopies of a Liberian dollar. Emmanuel has been working tirelessly at the copy machine for 48 straight hours without sleep and Sirleaf plans to inform him of the project’s cancellation eventually.

The resilient little country has already started planning their next project which reportedly involves two empty cans and a piece of string.